Volume 1 of Casual Shit Talking
I thought I'd been struggling to write something for a couple of weeks. Turns out it's been 7 months. That bright old 'start to the new year' stopped my writing altogether.
Well, writing with the intent to share anyway... I have been splurging my brain out on paper like there's no tomorrow. Some days it was too full of irrational, obsessive thoughts. They kept circling and circling around in there for hours. There was a high chance it would of made be insane if I didn't get it out.
A similar feeling that you might get when you've got so much built up energy, you feel like you could run 5km's. Or go apeshit at a punching bag for 20 minutes. Those types of built up feelings – but in the brain. That's what writing helps me release.
It's a weird thing. I never kept a diary growing up, I never felt the need to share things that went on in my brain, except to my closest friends. Because, sometimes the brain takes you to these weird and wonderful places. Then sometimes it takes you to places that make you think you should get locked up, away from people. Luckily, no one can read my mind – for now anyway.
This post isn't about anything in-particular, it's just an outlet for me to check in with myself, I guess. On a bigger picture level. My day to day writing is usually a release mechanism, as mentioned above. I'm usually so focused on the tiny details of whats happening in that moment. The weird things that are making me feel overwhelmed, or agitated, or compulsively thinking over something I said, or did, in my head. I never really spend much time on the big picture stuff going on in my brain and in my life.
I've had a pretty full on 2-3 months with figuring out who the fuck I am, and that's not really over yet. I doubt it will ever be. Contradictory to this post, and maybe my blog in general – I don't actually like talking about real shit all that often. Especially if it involves my emotions or anything that's happening with me personally. I shut up shop, and try to shuffle my way out of the conversation by saying (or yelling...) that we can sort it out later.
This has even creeped into my work life (not so much the yelling). Attempting to deal with stuff at a later date, that I mentally don't feel prepped to deal with at the current time. It get's to the point where I hear myself saying in every meeting "ah yeah, we can talk about that later." Which isn't progressive to any project or decision. Especially when it's hard enough to get everyone in the same room at the same time.
Seeing that same reaction in my work life, made me realise that it's not a justifiable coping mechanism in everyday life. Work life or non-work life. Which, for so many years have merged into one. Sometimes to the point where nothing else matters. Clients and design are everything. Which a) is ridiculous; and b) that's so common in the design industry. Which is also insane, and unhealthy and all those other buzz words.
Therefore, I'm needing to actually deal with some of the shit that I may have pushed down for a bit too long... I don't even know what that is yet, but I'm sure we'll all find out soon enough. Because apparently my new thing is transparency...
Reflecting seems to be one of the most valuable parts of being a human, yet it's also one of the hardest things to do. Even writing this now – I'm almost censoring myself in my head before it comes out on the keyboard. Being that open and honest is fucking terrifying, and I'm not saying anything super clear or obvious. It's just "blah blah blah be a better person" type of crap. Imagine if I was actually trying to make a justified point, we'd all be screwed.
To re-iterate – this post really doesn't have a focused point. Sorry if you came into it thinking that (hopefully I didn't lead you on...). It's to say "Hey, how you doing?" to myself, maybe? To you, maybe? Who the fuck knows. Message me and we can figure it out.